Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
