I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
