There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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