I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
