i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
