You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
