Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I want her autograph on my taint
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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