Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
