Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
