Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
