I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
