It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
