my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
