Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
