It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
