I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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