Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
this hospital has no fireball
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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