You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
