I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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