just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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