if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize