i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
