just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
