I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
