Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
