Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
