I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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