I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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