i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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