Please, let me fuck your mom
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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