turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
