checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
