I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
