So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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