I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
now i know why i became what i already was.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
