he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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