just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
