dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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