i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
