I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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