I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
