there's paper in my vomit.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
