When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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