The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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