She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
