hotel room ftw
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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