Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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