I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
