so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
