sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
