Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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