i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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