I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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