There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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