wrigley field is MILF paradise
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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