I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
